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AZOTH
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars The fear of falling apart |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY Jayspurr
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Post by Orion Alim-Verdi on Dec 4, 2017 21:26:04 GMT -8
Ow. Ok, right to the point there, he guessed. It was better to be upfront in this case, yeah? “Kinda??” Why did that come off as a question? Because what the fuck do you feel? Oh, good question, Brain. Wanna clarify for him a bit here?? No?? Get the fuck out then. “I… think so? It’s hard to describe.” Hah, yeah, clearly from the way he was struggling to word himself now. C’mon, infatuation, lust, love, whatever you wanna use just say it— Yes, but WHICH BRAIN??? “I like her a lot in the nonromantic sense and… you already know how I am with loyalty to her and…” He sighed wishing he could stop tripping over himself while saying all this.
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Civilian
I can't help it, I'm a babbling idiot. Please kiss me quick, 'cause I need to feel it~ |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY 🌸 SG 🌸
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Post by Nikolai Laska on Dec 4, 2017 21:30:38 GMT -8
Nik just sort of... blinked a few times. Here he was saying 'nonromantic' but was bringing this up because of a kiss, so... Did he just want to bang her, or...?? Was this something more complex, some blend of specific romantic and platonic elements he was trying to reconcile or..?? Was Nik thinking too much on this? "What do you want?" he asked.
Almost immediately, he realized, "I know that might be the least simple question to pin down but just... Here's the card and check all that apply. What do you think you might want?" Why was he wanting to talk about this, in other words? Clearly not just a 'by the way, that happened and I'm telling you so you won't find out and think there was any more involved' or anything like that. He wouldn't be tripping over himself if it was that simple.
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AZOTH
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars The fear of falling apart |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY Jayspurr
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Post by Orion Alim-Verdi on Dec 4, 2017 21:43:41 GMT -8
“Fuck if I know,” was the answer that cut into part of Nik’s own quick response right after. What do you think you might want— “I don’t….” He took in a deep breath and sighed, not even really having the energy to finish that thought.
Did he want to bang her? Probably?? On some fundamental level, yeah duh, but?? Everything else was??? Orion couldn’t imagine a life with Marcie— at least not in the way he had with Nik— and he didn’t want it even if it could be. But ??? Then ??? I just want her to like me?? Clearly she did??? To some degree or another??? Obviously?? But I want her to keep liking me. Oh, ok yeah… That’s logical sure, but feelings could you also get on board with this logic, thanks???
“I guess I just… want to kiss her if it ever comes up???” Ok, voice, could you stop turning everything into a fucking question, thanks.
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Civilian
I can't help it, I'm a babbling idiot. Please kiss me quick, 'cause I need to feel it~ |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY 🌸 SG 🌸
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Post by Nikolai Laska on Dec 4, 2017 21:50:38 GMT -8
Nik was... very tentatively... starting to settle. He didn't want to be too hopeful, or too quick to latch onto what sounded like an easy answer and wind up discouraging further elaboration if it might have been relevant... But... But he thought of Sera, and how very much he did not want to be anything more than occasionally affectionate and close friends. Whatever more they'd had, that ship had sailed and he didn't really miss it, as grateful as he'd been to have it when he did.
"Is... that all?" he asked hesitantly. "You don't... wanna date her, or sleep with her, or...?" Leave me for her? Whoa brain back the fuck down don't jump that far in one go please this was difficult enough.
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AZOTH
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars The fear of falling apart |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY Jayspurr
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Post by Orion Alim-Verdi on Dec 5, 2017 6:11:47 GMT -8
Is that all— MAYBE NOT? Ok, ok brain calm the fuck down. “I don’t wanna date her,” he mumbled rubbing one side of his face. “I guess I kind of do want to sleep with her…” He squinted up at the ceiling for a few seconds considering this. He was the one always correcting a certain someone that he wasn’t just straight up gay, but some part of him had started to accept it? Was he really bi and just had some huge ass preferences, or was Marcie an exception to the rule or? Was it something else entirely? Arceus, what did it fucking matter anyways? A fucking lot apparently. Ok, brain, that pun was mean.
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Civilian
I can't help it, I'm a babbling idiot. Please kiss me quick, 'cause I need to feel it~ |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY 🌸 SG 🌸
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Post by Nikolai Laska on Dec 5, 2017 6:21:26 GMT -8
Theeeere it was. He knew he wasn't gonna get out of this without intense nausea, and now he kind of wanted to throw up. Fun, fun times. Platonic kisses were fine. If that was the whole extent of it he'd have just set that rule down for all the future: platonic kisses were always fine, for both of them, with anyone. Maybe a caveat about no tongue or something, or treat that case by case. But Orion's feelings were clearly deeper than just that, and he feared if he tried to give him an inch it'd easily turn into a mile.
"I don't--" know if he was comfortable, but... But actually... Shifting and withdrawing a bit, realizing how much his foot was starting to twitch, he asked, "Did you ever lie to me when I asked before, or is this new...?"
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AZOTH
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars The fear of falling apart |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY Jayspurr
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Post by Orion Alim-Verdi on Dec 5, 2017 6:30:44 GMT -8
Orion grimaced a little. “Haven’t lied to you, Nik,” he answered reaching up to mush his hair a bit instead. “I—“ A weird half-laugh escaped from him. “Like her like…. Kinda like Auntie for a while… -- Don’t tell her I said it like that but…. yeah… ” Marce was that sort of…. Comfortable Presence that he wanted to Do Things For on instinct. The fact she gave him an outlet for his need to hit things and was so tolerant about his— everything???— was so very nice too. “But I …. Guess when she kissed me I kinda… realized it was— …possible she liked me like that?” Why was this coming out as a whine? Fucking brain or body or whatever else can you not?
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Civilian
I can't help it, I'm a babbling idiot. Please kiss me quick, 'cause I need to feel it~ |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY 🌸 SG 🌸
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Post by Nikolai Laska on Dec 5, 2017 6:55:45 GMT -8
He... Okay that was kind of a weird progression if he was being honest, but he guess he had his whole drawn out famiy-but-not-actually-family thing toward Alex that he'd only recently finally gotten over. (And even then he had to tell himself 'probably' given he hadn't really been around Alex except in passing since then so who knew, something could still hit him out of the blue someday and make him feel awkward all over again, heh... He hoped not.)
And he guessed.. hrm. When he met Sera, her making it so obvious she wanted him to kiss her did sort of shift their dynamic a bit? Or... he'd been pretty thoroughly in love with Mia before, but was also firmly adhered to the idea it was unrequited and he shouldn't expect more until she kissed him, and it kind of opened the floodgates for more? So that wasn't.. exactly the same but kind of related he guessed.
But....
But.
Nik didn't realize how hard he was squeezing his crossed arms, but he knew how anxious he felt and how absolutely pissed he was at himself for that feeling and... "This should be fine," he worked through his thoughts aloud. "I-- should be relieved? This should.. make me feel less awkward about Mia. I should be happy." He clearly wasn't, or at least the tears forming in his eyes certainly didn't look like tears of joy.
After a few staggered breaths, he grit his teeth a bit. "What the fuck.. I've never cared about this shit before." Never cared who Sera slept with until it was a mass murderer, and he was pretty sure Marcie wasn't on Niso's level. And he never cared who Mia slept with, even if he guessed knowing anything about them might have made him feel a bit awkward and insecure sometimes, but... there was also Vesta? Would he feel better if Orion did wanna date Marcie? ...Ha, probably better and worse he would guess, and knowing his luck more worse than better. Or??? He didn't fucking know.
Only after all that would his brain land on a comparable feeling, and it physically jolted him before he looked down at one hand, slowly, bewildered and still pretty startled. "I... this sounds... really fucking stupid even in my head, but I think... I feel like...?" A confused and awkward laugh weakly followed. "I've never cared if Mia slept with other girls, but the thought of her with a guy makes me nauseous. And the idea of you with Marce... makes me feel like that..??? Except??????" Except why the fuck.
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AZOTH
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars The fear of falling apart |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY Jayspurr
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Post by Orion Alim-Verdi on Dec 5, 2017 10:48:53 GMT -8
Orion’s lips pressed together hard as Nik worked through his thoughts aloud. He wanted to say something, but what the fuck was he supposed to say? Guess I’ll just— Brain don’t finish that statement you fuck up. As Nik slowly explained, however, Orion’s features flickered between several expressions all at once. “You’re— upset I’m not entirely gay?” the tone came out about as accusing as confused. The fuck? The actual fuck, Nik? He knew that wasn’t exactly what Nik meant, but ??? What the fuck Nik? A weird laugh, not quite a giggle or a chuckle but not really a laugh laugh, escaped from him.
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Civilian
I can't help it, I'm a babbling idiot. Please kiss me quick, 'cause I need to feel it~ |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY 🌸 SG 🌸
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Post by Nikolai Laska on Dec 5, 2017 11:08:45 GMT -8
"I-- no???" Maybe? No? What. Maybe?? Fuck he didn't know but he was still leaning toward no. "I... feel..." Was this even it? "Weirdly threatened by her???" Kind of? Well. Well yeah not kind of, he definitely did. But fucking why??
"L-..like..." Wow this sounded stupid as hell and he hadn't even said it yet but... "The thought of Mia with a girl is just? Yeah whatever no big deal. But with a guy I'd be..." He looked suddenly more upset and alarmed. "What?? No I'm her boyfriend." Even though he didn't... entirely think of himself as a guy? So??
"I.. This feels like... that same sort of 'no that's my turf' feeling except I???" His voice cracked a bit, and he rubbed his hands over his face, mentally trying to process and kind of 'double-checking' this thought before saying it aloud. ...Still sounded stupid, and still sounded accurate, a-fucking-pparently... "I guess... I don't really... 'feel' like 'a girl' except...? I apparently? ..wanna be 'your girl'...???" Like what the fuck even was this. And why could he not have maybe realized this before now?? (...Okay he'd briefly think back to how fucking giddy he was any time Orion would call him 'princess' or the like and maybe should have realized then there might be more to that but okay thanks brain that wasn't helpful now was it.)
A short sort of groan-sob sound followed as he admitted, "I'm saying this and still wondering what the fuck I'm even thinking though because like?? I'm also so invested in the idea of us 'being gay' together so I don't even--"
......................... No. Brain. BRAIN.
An awful sound, almost twice as much laugh as sob yet still very pained and dripping with self-loathing would follow as he buried his face in his hands. This was. The WORST time for such a stupid-ass movie reference and yet he could not stop himself. "Apparently I'm in lesbians with you." He said feeling there was nothing even remotely feminine about Orion but here he was anyway so???
Briefly the thought of him in a pink apron baking a cake in a neatly decorated kitchen came to mind and was met only a second later with 'yeah no that doesn't change shit' and the fact that this registered in his head as still not even remotely feminine did please him on some level but yeah, just. Okay then brain.
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AZOTH
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars The fear of falling apart |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY Jayspurr
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Post by Orion Alim-Verdi on Dec 5, 2017 13:32:28 GMT -8
The more Nik talked, the more Orion’s brows furrowed. Weirdly threatened by her??? wHY? The comparison to Mia was weirdly starting to piss him off, and he didn’t even exactly know why?? But then Nik went on, and Orion was just… left really, really confused. “My girl?” But ??? Nik was ???? His boyfri- er… well, if he ever did finally eat that Chroma cookie, he guessed he’d be his girl but ??? Ugh wtf why was this so complicated??
….Nik what.
What?
wHAT?
“…..” Orion squinted. “I don’t….” Even know where to start with that, apparently. “Nik, I love you.” He was…they had… just bought a house together. He’d never take off that ring Nik gave him again if he could help it. And …. Yeah ok, yeah, he was… probably just making everything complicated by telling Nik what he was feeling but damn it if he wasn’t trying to at least be open about this???
But really what did he expect? That Nik would be fine with thi—Yes. Of all people, yes? Nik who had a girlfriend. Nik who still loved him. Nik who …. Nik who was scared of losing people. Ok, ok fuck you brain, ok. Nik who tolerates you. Stop with the guilt trip already. Nik who is having this reaction because he loves you. Ok.
A slow sigh escaped from Orion and he shifted a little trying to pull Nik into a hug. If he pulled back too much, he’d let him go again but.
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Civilian
I can't help it, I'm a babbling idiot. Please kiss me quick, 'cause I need to feel it~ |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY 🌸 SG 🌸
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Post by Nikolai Laska on Dec 5, 2017 15:37:16 GMT -8
Nik did not pull back. To the contrary, he seemed to want to melt into him, pressing tightly into that hug. Orion loved him. He knew that. Orion loved him, of course he did. Look where they were, look what they were doing. Look what they were starting, what they were building together. Of course having a fuckbuddy wasn't going to threaten that? ....And yet here he was tensing and wanting to throw up again.
"I'm sorry..." he finally mumbled weakly against him. "I'm... not mad at you, I promise. You... you didn't do anything wrong. I'm pissed at myself right now." A few heavy sobs tried to help him catch his breath. "It means--" Nope, still choking. "...Means the world to me you're telling me and I wanna be fine but..." But clearly, he was not...
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AZOTH
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars The fear of falling apart |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY Jayspurr
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Post by Orion Alim-Verdi on Dec 5, 2017 15:52:17 GMT -8
Shifting a little, Orion grumbled softly before settling again. There, a little more comfortable at least. I’m pissed at myself right now. Ah. I wanna be fine but… He didn’t… know what to do with that. He probably should apologize or something, but quite frankly he didn’t want to. Instead, lips met Nik’s forehead, his eyebrow, between his eyes, down one cheek, to his lips, and to the other cheek. “I love you,” he mumbled a little over and over again trying to be as reassuring as he was comforting. “I love you dearly.” He wouldn’t have put his mind and body through such hell if he hadn’t, heh, but he didn’t want to remind Nik of this right then exactly, heh.
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Civilian
I can't help it, I'm a babbling idiot. Please kiss me quick, 'cause I need to feel it~ |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY 🌸 SG 🌸
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Post by Nikolai Laska on Dec 5, 2017 16:05:23 GMT -8
I know.. Nik soaked up those kisses and those reassurances. Orion loved him, he knew that, he knew that. But what if you fall for her? ... So??? Nik loved Mia like the sun, and here he was, very happily moving in with Orion, ecstatic about the idea of waking up next to him most mornings. (Or well, waking up in the same house. Insomnia and such. Heh. Close enough.) So even if he did develop those feelings, why should--
...Oh yeah. Ha... That was why... "But I don't..." he finally whispered softly. "I love you, and I... believe in the you who believes in me as much as I can, heh..." He wouldn't even feel awkward about that reference, that was just ingrained into his being at this point. "But I don't.. love me, and I guess... some paranoid part of me worries if you got closer to her, you'd realize how much better she really is." A tiny questioning laugh followed. "I don't even know her, but by default she's gotta be, right??" Ha.... haha... ....or, well, then there was... Back to almost a whisper, he added, "She lets you do what you want and doesn't..." Ask him to change or.. look out for his safety or want to see him improve as a person apparently which kind of pissed Nik off if he let himself think about it, but from Orion's perspective that probably seemed more just... giving him freedom that Nik wouldn't...
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AZOTH
‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars The fear of falling apart |
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PLAYED BY OOC NAME
PLAYED BY Jayspurr
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Post by Orion Alim-Verdi on Dec 5, 2017 16:23:50 GMT -8
A soft sigh escaped from Orion as he eased up on those kisses some. He knew better than anyone it was nigh impossible to love oneself when oneself was also trash: him, himself, and hi, case and point, but … some part of him still wanted to insist that Nik was Different™. The paranoia and question that stemmed off of it had him huffing softly. But… at the same time.. Yeah. That freedom with Marce was… so nice in a way. He knew just as well it was bad for him, but damn if it wasn’t liberating too.
Just then, a thought occurred to him, however, and a puff of air escaped from Orion. “You know you’re basically just rewording what I said right before we got together, right?” he asked with a small snort. Maybe not said but… thought and felt and everything else. “I know you love Mia and….” He fidgeted slightly. “I know she’s better for you than I am in a hellalotta ways… but you decided this trash is your trash and it’s garbage cannot garbage cannot so…” He squeezed him a bit and allowed a long drawn out huff to escape from him. “You’re mine and I’m not gonna let you go.”
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