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Post by Seraph Benoit on Oct 12, 2017 21:20:02 GMT -8
Ha.... hahaha...ha.....
Seraph was almost done pretending he wasn't just a straight-up failure at this point. April. He'd come to Veria in April and he still hadn't done the one thing he came here to do. ...Well, he'd done a small fraction of the thing, but Lucien wasn't exactly high on his worry list in the first place and he'd barely even kept in touch with him.
He'd set a deadline for himself over two weeks ago now. He had to talk to Thomas before their birthday-- or on it at the latest. And yet, had he made any progress?
Haha... HA....
If he wanted to be really generous, he'd started staying in a little place on the edge of Faraday about a week ago... on the opposite side of town. But he was... putting himself kind of close. Again. Knowing that hadn't worked to push him any of the previous times he'd tried it but..... ha.... Honestly why didn't he just give the fuck up and go back to Johto. His Ranger Family accepted him for sure and he didn't have to wonder how things would go and--
Ugh what had he spent all this time here for then, though?? This would all be so much easier if he could even figure out how to approach them. Did he show up on their doorstep and get 3 visits for the price of one? Try to arrange a 'fancy meeting you here' thing with Thomas? Try to pull some strings to get them assigned together on a job? Pretend he just got into town or admit how long he'd been trying to build the courage? Did he try presenting feminine or maybe androgynous and worry about catching up before coming out? Did he immediately introduce himself as a dude? Should he just save up for one of those cookies so he might seem more 'legitimate'?
Some part of him still jumped to 'what if this is a phase and I grow out of it' before realizing it had been right around a year now since he started transitioning? Holy shit time really flew by.
He breathed in deep, and exhaled slowly. His weekly food shopping probably wasn't the ideal time to be dwelling on all this, but... heh. #Anxiety yo.
Really though. He should try to push it out of his mind at least until he'd gotten groceries and got back home. It wasn't like he was gonna do anything like this, his hair a mess and attire consisting of just sweatpants and a baggy tee over a sports bra. This was "screw you I'll shop in pajamas if I feel like it" wear, not "long-anticipated family reunion" wear.
He'd almost managed to get his breathing under control again, and his thoughts were starting to wander. Potential ways to approach the Wasteland had become a favored point of idle speculation, and he soon got lost enough in it that he stopped really paying attention to where he was going, feet sort of on autopi--
"OOF!" He stumbled back a few steps before fully registering he'd bumped into someone. "S-sorr--" he choked out, but he froze as his eyes set on that face.
No. No no no no, no, not now, no! Red eyes immediately teared up; his heart clenched in his chest; his voice came out a pathetic squeak: "Tho--??"
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Interpol
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Post by Thomas Benoit on Oct 16, 2017 21:06:03 GMT -8
As Thomas walked along the streets of Faraday City, hands tucked in the pockets of his hooded sweater, the trainer couldn't help but reflect on the year that had almost past. Last year, he felt like things were finally coming together, that he had potentially found his place, found reasons to keep fighting on, even after he would've brought down the men responsible for Shadow and Jericha's deaths. That he had reconciled with most of his family. That he had met the love of his life.
And then, the rug was pulled right out from underneath his feet.
Niso Konto happened, dragging along not only Xerneas, but his cousin in his schemes. During the final phases of his plan to gain immortality, he had used a brainwashed Elena as a bodyguard, buying him enough time to realize his plan, despite the intervention of another trainer.
The end result was not only an immortal sociopath, but his cousin being robbed of her vision, and a near death experience by a Zoroark claw to the torso. If not for Xerneas using the last of its energy to heal them both, they would've died in the Wasteland.
Ever since then, things had been going downhill for the trainer. During the chaos, one of his lover's pursuers managed to track her down, and ultimately drive her out of Veria. Thomas would spiral into a dark depression that lasted for well over a month. And even after he got out of the initial rut, he had continued to act almost distant from those that he had recently rekindled his bond with, those he directly lived with.
It was something that deeply worried him, but something that he couldn't just stop to correct. He found it hard to overcome these emotional barriers he set himself up with.
Thomas, who was garbed in a dark green hoodie, a pair of camouflage pants, and dark brown boots, walked along a sidewalk, practically on autopilot as he reflected on this, his mind wandering further and further away from the area he walked in. It was only a matter of time before he crashed into something.
Or someone.
The trainer would bump into someone who was dressed down far more casually than he was. Thomas let out a short grunt upon being snapped back into reality by the bump. But before he could utter an apology for his negligence, the other person began to speak up, before they were stopped by something. Red eyes teared up, before uttering out his name, voice cracking.
Thomas would blink at the red-eyed individual with green hair. Despite the short exchange of words, on top of the individual's words being a mess of accents, he could pick out the Kalosian from it.
"Is something the matter?", Thomas would finally ask in a hesitant, perplexed tone, studying the person in front of him. It was obvious that this person recognized him on a personal level. "And I should apologize as well. I failed to adequately pay attention to my surroundings.", Thomas would tell the androgynous individual.
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Ranger
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Post by Seraph Benoit on Oct 16, 2017 21:24:11 GMT -8
Seraph was frozen, unable to speak or move. No, Seraph was backing up, despite no feeling of volition or control over the action. "...You don't--..." His heart was pounding, and his world going blurry. Out, a way out, he wanted-- "....Nothing," he weakly feigned.
He spun on his heels and began to hurry away. "Sorry to--" NO. He stopped in his tracks. If he ran now, with Thomas right here, he'd only keep running. He didn't know what to say,or what to do, but he had to do something.
He turned back around slowly, taking a deep breath. Say something. Anything. 'Thomas, it's Seraphine,' flat and simple. Or perhaps, 'What, you don't recognize your own twin?' as if it was no big deal. Maybe, 'Sorry I know I look different, but' something something or other. Pick one, any introduction or feeling to express or any--
"How could you leave me??" spouted out of his mouth. ... Well, fuck, apparently he was going with this. "If you didn't want to travel together fine, but how could you not keep in touch, at least with me? Do you have any idea how worried sick I was for so long?!" Any effort to keep his voice low was out the window with the sudden flux of stress, and oh look the tears were back.
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Interpol
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Post by Thomas Benoit on Oct 18, 2017 0:06:33 GMT -8
Thomas studied the individual before him. The more he got a look at them, the more some of their features started to ring some bells, despite others sowing the seeds of doubt into him. Thomas' expression became one of concern when the person before him began to start something, before ending it. Thomas' facial expression, however, showed that he wasn't just going to let this matter go.
As he turned away, Thomas got ready to call out to them, before they stopped dead in their tracks, and slowly began to turn around. Finally, the person began to fully talk to him. And in that moment, everything came together. While he didn't immediately physically recognize his own twin, what he had described to him could've only fit one person.
"S-Sera!?", he sputtered, looking down in shame immediately. Despite the physical changes, Thomas couldn't help but chide himself for failing to recognize his own twin. After a moment, Thomas finally looked back up to his twin. "I... I have a lot of explaining to do... I'd rather it be in private, but to make a long story short, I never did it to get away from you, or the family. It was all me....", he stated, before a grim look washed over his face.
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Ranger
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Post by Seraph Benoit on Oct 18, 2017 2:44:06 GMT -8
Fuck yes he had explaining to do!? And like hell was Seraph going to let him be the one to set those terms?? "Now you wanna sit down and talk? You couldn't have done that before? Even once said 'Hey Sera! I'm thinking about leaving'!?" Out of the hundreds of ways he must have imagined this reunion going, this resembled none of them. Where had this anger even come from?? He couldn't remember being this--
"I worried you were dead!" Oh. Yeah that was a good source of anger. "You're damn right 'it was all you'. My whole life was all about you. Sticking up for you, trying to encourage you, starting a journey with you. And then-- then!-- having to try to fill the hole you left, having to figure out who I even was without you! I didn't get to try coordinating until this year because you left me to be dad's last hope for a Ranger kid." Those were also good sources. ...Welp. Good to know this had been boiling under the surface so long, apparently.
"Do you know how long it took me to even start trying to do anything for my own sake, or what kinds of situations I wound up in trying to find any sense of identity for myself? What kind of--" Tears were streaming as he choked back his words. He didn't want to get into the worse parts of that at all, let alone within his first few minutes of talking to Thomas, whatever momentum he was building here.
Instead, his bowed-up posture weakened and shrank in on itself again as he shifted the focus a bit. Quietly, he whimpered, "Did you ever even consider me..."
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Interpol
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Post by Thomas Benoit on Oct 18, 2017 17:56:50 GMT -8
As his twin continued to rage at him, all Thomas could do was silently take it. After all, the trainer knew that he deserved this, especially as it was made clear to him that his reasoning for silently abandoning the family was based off of pure paranoia and insecurity.
But as Seraph began to explain that his life was all about Thomas, and bringing up all that had happened in their childhood, Thomas frowned. That was exactly why he left for foreign land in silence all those years ago. Whenever he got himself cornered by his bullies, it was normally Seraph that had to bail him out. And it was Seraph that tried to encourage him to get stronger, to be the son their father wanted, to no avail.
But as he would come to find out years later, his decision to leave to become stronger, to "free the family of dead weight", had been one that had caused trouble for everyone. Elena and Andrea tried for years to search for him. And the fact that he left his twin to take on the role of their father's inheritor, when he knew about Seraph's desires to be more like their older sister, filled him with guilt.
"... Sera, the only reason I left in the first place was to get stronger, to become the son our father wanted. I didn't tell you because I knew you'd either try to stop me, or follow me. I only did it to try to free you from me, and I know that I was wrong to do so...", Thomas started, before clenching his fist. "The truth is, I always felt like dead weight to the family, an inadequate son.", he would continue. "I was always the weakest link, unable to fight back, unable to get stronger, unable to muster up the courage to do what I needed to do to make our father proud...", he continued.
"As for why I didn't write home... disaster struck early on in Kanto, and I spent almost a year trying to reign it in, only to come up short again...", he would start, his expression becoming further downtrodden. In reality, the reason why Thomas wanted to talk to his twin in private was because of what came after that disaster he alluded to. The five years he spent studying under an assassin, a situation that prevented him from contacting his family in any capacity, but was ultimately his choice.
"I... I'm sorry for everything.", he finally choked out, a look of remorse plastered on his face.
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Ranger
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Post by Seraph Benoit on Oct 18, 2017 19:11:40 GMT -8
"Of course I--" he started to snap during Thomas' first pause, but when his brother went on he bit his tongue and gave him a chance to finish. Everything he said, though, was just... just so--
If he didn't already look like enough of a mess, the uncontrollable ugly crying definitely didn't help anything, and he felt like his occasional efforts to wipe his tears probably weren't doing anything.
The apology rang so much more hollow than he'd hoped. "Of course I would've wanted to go with you..." he whimpered now, weaker than before. "But..." He bit his lip.
He let himself slip into Kalosian. "But if you just... told me how you felt... I.." A single note constituting a pitiful excuse for a laugh escaped him. "I probably would've been pretty stubborn at first but I would've understood eventually. All I ever wanted was for you to be safe and happy." Was Thomas both of those now...? Did he really need Seraph out of his life to achieve that? "If time alone was what you needed I wish you'd just..." He was rehashing at this point, and shook his head.
"And you weren't dead weight; you were my weight. You.. kept me grounded and..." He wiped more tears from his face and turned partially away. "I always... relied so much on being your twin and dad's child that I... still don't really... know who I am when it's just me." His fire was dying, and his words were barely more than a tired sigh by the end.
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Post by Thomas Benoit on Oct 23, 2017 23:08:04 GMT -8
As he brought up his feelings on the matter, his mind couldn't help but wander to what would've happened if Sera came with him to the Kanto Region. Would disaster have been averted by the presence of his twin, and the men who stole from him stopped? Would Sera have just been another one of their victims, just like him? And whatever happened, would the journey to that Region have been any better or worse than it turned out?
But as his twin told him that all they wanted was for Thomas to be safe and happy, the trainer hung his head. The trainer, despite being able to handle himself, was far from safe. The people he crossed paths with in the past, let alone the people he willingly stood in the way of, painted a massive target on his back. And as for happiness, he had the feeling that this wasn't going to end in a happy manner. Even if he succeeded in bringing down the people that took Shadow and Jericha from him, there was no bringing them back, and there would always be more people, more groups to fill in the vacuum left behind by the fall of this organization.
But as his twin told him that he kept them grounded, guilt continued to flood the trainer. Logically, he knew what those assholes would say to him about keeping the family down with his weakness was just another weapon to them, that they didn't truly know or care how they felt, all they wanted was something to use against their victim. But emotionally, it fed into his guilt about constantly failing to live up to his father's expectations, the feeling that he was nothing more than a disappointment was constantly reaffirmed by not only his failings, but the fact that they would rub salt into the wound at any possible opportunity.
"Sera... I knew you wanted to be more like our sister, that you desired to be a Coordinator, just like her.", he choked out. "It's why, despite all the times I came up short, I kept trying, why I even wanted to do this. I felt like I was nothing more than a roadblock for you, that my weakness prevented you from fulfilling your dreams. That if I had come back home a stronger son, one that could meet our father's expectations, that you'd be free to follow your dreams without worry.", he continued.
"I guess all those times they told me that you all hated me, that I was just slowing you all down, especially you, by having to come and take up my slack, didn't help matters...", Thomas said, with slight shame in his tone, referring to the bullying that he faced. "And before you say it, I know they were just trying to get in my head...", he started, before letting out a dragged out, pained sigh. "And they succeeded, every fucking time.", he finished, shame filling his tone. Even with all the years, all the training he went through, it still got to him.
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Ranger
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Post by Seraph Benoit on Oct 24, 2017 0:03:04 GMT -8
...Oh. Oh. Yeah he already said he wanted to get stronger but just the minor change in framing here was... Seraph spent so many years feeling like he wasn't good enough to keep Thomas around, wondering if he even considered his feelings, but he-... He really did... do everything out of...
Those last words drove a knife deep into his heart, and he choked back a sudden harder rush of tears. He found his throat uncooperative for a moment, needing a few seconds to calm down and compose himself, so he took that time to dry his face again and try to force himself to stop. Deep breaths, calm and composed, calm and composed. Think of the public; the words stabbed at his mind and elicited a brief chill, yet were in their own way helpful here.
When he felt more capable of thinking clearly, his tone changed entirely, both in coming out a significantly lower pitch and in feeling resolved rather than stressed now. "If that's the case... Sounds like we have a job, doesn't it." He'd give Thomas just a moment to wonder what he meant before crossing his arms and shifting his weight. "We need to pool our resources and find Celebi. That way I can go back in time to kick those kids' asses so much harder, and drill into baby Thomas's head just how much I love him."
This was... mostly an attempt to lighten the mood. Mostly. Given the chance, he couldn't say he wouldn't do it, though.
His objective had shifted. He'd gotten out his hurt, and now he wanted Thomas to feel better. "..I like being a Ranger, you know. As much as I wish I could've done more with mom and Andie growing up, I always liked this sort of stuff, too." A slow, almost pained smile broke out as he rubbed the back of his neck, eyes averting. "I guess thinking about it now, if mom had been the one to grab hold of me and push me to be like her... I probably would've felt the same way, wishing I could've been doing Ranger stuff with you and dad. I just.. didn't appreciate it as much back then because I already had it. Grass is greener, I guess."
He looked back to Thomas a moment, then drew a few steps closer. "I never wanted you to be forced into doing anything, and if I ever wished you'd become a Ranger, it... It was never 'I wish Tommy'd do this so I don't hav to', more... Wishing you'd get good at it and like it so we could do it together, and I wouldn't have been... quite as obligated to do it full time.. ya know? I still want to do both." He guessed what he was trying to say was... "When you left it made it harder to pursue both my passions, but... I do love the work I wound up doing. You didn't force me into anything I didn't already want to do. Dad didn't either." Of course maybe if he'd had half a spine when it came to potentially disappointing family he could have still done more of both, but... heh.
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Interpol
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Post by Thomas Benoit on Oct 24, 2017 3:58:25 GMT -8
After having dropped the latest bombshell, as to what corrupted him into thinking that by casting himself away from the family, he'd be doing them a favor, Thomas stood silent, fists clenched, drawing ragged breaths, as if trying to stabilize himself emotionally at this point. Thomas hesitantly moved his head back up, looking up at his twin before more guilt filled him.
Finally, as both of them calmed down, Seraph would chime in with something. Joking about how they needed to get Celebi to send them back in time, teach those little shits some manners, and reassure Thomas that everything was fine. While it was something that Thomas loosely thought about, he knew that Seraph wasn't being serious, and despite the state he was in, let out a chuckle.
"Or at the very least, hunt them down, and teach them some manners, if they haven't already learned them by now.", Thomas joked in response.
At this point, the trainer's breathing had become cleaner and more stable, his stance easing up. And at that point, Thomas would listen to what his twin had to say on the matter. That Seraph enjoyed being a Ranger, despite the circumstances, and that if mom had been the one to take them in, then Seraph would probably be looking on at Daniel and Thomas, wondering what they were missing.
Though he didn't speak, his facial expressions and nods would show that he was listening to Seraph, and responding accordingly.
If anything, it was funny, considering that Andrea had ultimately switched from the Coordinating world, to becoming a Ranger. Thomas had to wonder how their parents felt about that, and if Seraph would take up their older sister's mantle on the side.
Thomas would continue to listen to his twin as they told him how they truly felt about things. That they weren't really angry or resentful with Thomas, but just wanted him to get into things, so that they could both enjoy it together. And if anything, Thomas did want to get good at it, and he did want to make not only his father, but his twin proud, but was always physically held back in that regard.
But while his exile delivered him further from safety and happiness, it did ultimately end with him becoming far stronger than he was. Despite what it cost him in the end, and the ambiguity of what his goals would further cost him, his training under the Phantom Murkrow saw a shift in his personality. The easily discouraged, timid Thomas has suddenly become stubborn, motivated, and angry. Call it the straw that broke the Camerupt's back, but losing three of his Pokemon, including his first and closest, lit a dangerous fire inside of him.
"To be fair, Andie tells me that training under our mother was far from a pleasant experience. Some rather excessive expectations on her end, cutting her off financially during her journey, and from what I saw, turning her into something of a wreck. She... did not take her silver streak well.", he would tell her, a worried look on his face. "She was afraid that mother would take her out of the inheritance for that.", he continued, shaking his head.
"Our father might be an ass, but as far as I know, he hasn't tried to pull shit like that, though he did throw a temper tantrum after I defeated him in a battle to gain knowledge on Z-Crystals from him.", he would continue with chuckle.
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Post by Seraph Benoit on Oct 24, 2017 4:31:03 GMT -8
Oh, wow. He always knew Andie had her own struggles to deal with, but never realized how bad it really was. Whether that was because she hid it well or Seraph was just... too absorbed in his own life to notice was another question entirely, but either way he felt bad for not being there for her more.
Thomas' final bit caught him off-guard, though, and that chuckle proved contagious. "Really? I almost regret not being there for that." Almost. Dad being upset with Thomas sounded infuriating if he let himself think about it too hard, but the idea of him as a grown-ass man having a 'tantrum' could be mildly amusing. "I've seen Z-Moves around a few times, but I actually don't know much about them either. Maybe you should show me some time, huh~?" It was a light-hearted suggestion, bordering on a tease in tone, yet at the same time a sincere plea to be able to spend more time together from now on.
His mirth did fade a bit though as he moved back to, "I didn't ever realize mom was quite that bad, though. Poor Andie." He forced a weak smile and ruffled his hair a bit. "Heh... Might be a good thing I wound up learning the ropes on my own instead of training with her."
A related thought occurred, and he continued seamlessly, "Honestly, I guess it worked out in a lot of ways. As female-dominated as a lot of the contest world is, I probably would've been a lot more hesitant to transition for fear of losing fans. Breaking into the scene as a guy sounds a lot less intimidating than that would've--"
Only then did his eyes widen in fear and move back to Thomas, smile visibly hard to maintain now. "...S-so, that's. also a thing now, by the way..?"
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Post by Thomas Benoit on Oct 31, 2017 11:13:22 GMT -8
Thomas would find himself breaking into a full on laugh in response to what Seraph had to say. The image of him throwing a temper tantrum with his twin there to see made it even better. Not that it would've gone differently, given the fact that he completely disregarded Eleonore's presence. But when Seraph mentioned he didn't see Z-Moves all that often, Thomas was quite surprised. "To be honest, I thought he'd have already shown you, of all people. But one day, I might just do that myself.", Thomas replied to his twin.
Thomas would nod in response to what his twin had to say. But when Seraph mentioned something about transitioning, and breaking into the Coordinator scene as a guy as opposed to a girl. The look Thomas would give his twin was one of bemusement, as if what Seraph had described was a foreign concept to him. The body language his twin gave upon letting that slip worried Thomas, however.
"Tell me more, please.", Thomas told Seraph calmly.
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Post by Seraph Benoit on Oct 31, 2017 14:06:16 GMT -8
Heh, Seraph would've had to be home for dad to show him much... He guessed he actually was often enough between 10 and 15, but it wouldn't surprise him if he'd still thought that too young to properly explain and pass on the knowledge. Or maybe Seraph just hadn't been Good Enough in general but he was gonna go with an age thing. Living overseas in the years after made it harder to demonstrate though, heh.
That reaction though was... He?? It was so much better than he'd feared and yet... he'd planned for his fears. Had gone over those in his head endlessly. Such a calm but inquiring reaction never even occurred to him and he had no idea what to say or do, freezing with his mouth open for a few moments before slowly closing it and only then realizing he'd been holding his breath. Once he forced that to start again, he fumbled, "I... It's.. just I uh..."
Why was this so hard? To most of the world he'd been entirely male for the past year. Why was it hard to say it to Thomas, especially when he just let it slip so casually? Why was it easy to say 'I worry about being able to break into coordinating as a guy' but so hard to say 'I'm trans'??
"I'm sort of... I've.. been uh. ...it's... I guess I just..." Mother of fuck. "I'm a guy," he finally blurted, and immediately-- regretted it?? Was tearing up? What no why? Thomas didn't seem like he was about to push him away or anything but--
A realization hit him like a ton of bricks, making his chest tighten. On some level he actually.. didn't want Thomas to see him differently...? Maybe that was stupid. He didn't want to be a girl, but he wanted to be Thomas's brave awesome sister?? Why did the idea of himself as his brother Feel Different? It shouldn't, should it? This made no sense and he wanted to punch himself.
"I don't... always look like it..." he forced himself to mumble despite those reservations, his stance shifting and shrinking back a bit, unconsciously taking a bit of emphasis off his chest. "But in my head and my heart I.. see myself as a guy." ..usually. ..he was pretty sure. probably. fuck. "I actually uh... do still love my name as girly as it is and... you can still call me Sera if you want...?" Was that some effort to tone this down? Or to compromise with his awkward desire to not give up his identity as the sibling Thomas used to know? Who knew. "But I go by Seraph with most people now, so.. Either's fine."
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Interpol
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Post by Thomas Benoit on Dec 28, 2017 18:27:26 GMT -8
Thomas quietly listened to his twin explain to him what he had felt. And truth be told, Thomas found it to be strange. Granted, the trainer was hardly exposed to this sort of subject. But at the same time, Thomas remained calm as he listened. After all, in Thomas' opinion, there was no harm in this. It wasn't like Seraph was working with complete scumbags, after all.
"Well, it'll take some getting used to on my end, but I'll get into the habit of calling you Seraph, if that's what you'd prefer to be called.", he would tell his twin. "After all, I'm just glad to see you again.", he would say to his twin.
"But if you don't mind me asking, what brings you out here?", he would ask his twin.
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Post by Seraph Benoit on Dec 28, 2017 21:02:16 GMT -8
... Yeah? Oh yeah?? Relief came over him, not so much in a crashing wave as a slow trickle. There was no grand 'oh thank Arceus' moment, and on some level Seraph got the feeling that Thomas didn't really... 'get it', but he didn't need to, did he? If he'd make an effort to respect Seraph's identity and still loved him then?? that was more than fine?? The rest could come gradually right? ...Yeah! Yeah this was great.
"I'm really glad to see you too..."
And then, just when he thought the awkwardness had passed, there came a question that made the minute prior feel much more casual than it had in the moment. "UH.." Mouth why did you open why even announce how-- okay fine. "..... I uh."
Excuses and half truths ran through his head and in the end, Seraph found them all lacking. "...I've... apparently used up all my Anxiety Points for the day.." he half-joked, a breath of almost laugh briefly following. "What's a more socially acceptable way to say 'I've kind of been lowkey stalking you for months and too anxious of your reaction to me as a dude to tell you I moved to Veria'?" The level of WELP on his face would have been difficult to put into words.
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